Show me how pretty the world is.
Cause I envy the way that you move
Show me how pretty the world is
Cause I want something just a little bit louder
Show me how pretty the world is
Cause you're brilliant when you try
Show me how pretty the whole world is tonight
Pretty the World by Matt Nathenson
I know last time I wrote I was overpowered with negativity. There was a gloomy London rain cloud over my head and I just couldn’t escape it. I realized I was in much need of a day away from that rain and so, after I wrote the last blog, I spent an entire afternoon writing in my journal and putting thoughts to paper and watching ink dry as my words sunk in. I was hoping to take control of answering my own questions, I think that in the end I got a lot more than answers could ever provide. That is where the opening lyrics come in…after all the negative from last time…this time I really just hope that you can see how pretty the world is, and I hope that sometimes I can show you that!
Journaling has always helped me. It provides a release and sometimes I could really write for hours just to get thoughts out of my head. It helps me to fully think every thing through and to be as completely honest with myself as I can be. I make connections, every once in awhile I might actually make sense, and sometimes I come out of it a little better off than when I started. I have kept a journal, mostly only on my travels, for the past few years. I really just started it to help keep track of where I had been and what I have done, and although I haven’t even finished one journal, I have still provided several pages of thoughts and feelings over the years. The best part about this journal is that it provides a mirror of where I was last time I was in London, and where I was when I was in Central America. Not just the location of my adventures, but a picture of the person I was and the thoughts that were in my head. I don’t always write about my travels but often put my thoughts, feelings and questions down on paper. I read over these journals from the last time I was in London and from my Central America travels and I can’t help but be consumed with a sense of happiness. Seeing the girl that I was, so many questions and doubts and worries about people in my life and how relationships with boys fit into it all. A theme runs rampant that boys were often the cause of my problems and the questions in my head (isn’t that always the case). Struggling to move on, struggling to hold on, and struggling to find myself amongst the wreckage of past and present relationships.
It is crazy to read back through it all, to dig through the ashes of the girl that I was and realize that so much of what I worried about never really mattered. And to see the remnants of that girl in the woman I have become. To see that there are still moments where I worry about men (dare I still call them boys?) in my life now but it seems so much different. Maybe it is because, as a result of the past, I have built up walls for my future and defenses that don’t allow for the hurt and questions that once filled my world. Or maybe it is the fact that I have finally completed myself enough now to truly be happy standing alone. I don’t really know the answer although after reading through the journals and seeing how seemingly lost I was, I would like to say that it is the latter. I thought that I knew myself so well then. I thought I understood who I was and what I wanted but the further I get from that point in my life the more I realize I really had no idea. I am sure that in many ways I still don’t, but it is comforting to feel like I am getting somewhere.
Life is about change and about discovery and over the course of years, even our more adult years, we all still grow, we all still change, and no matter how much we think we know ourselves, most of us continue to struggle and search just the same. Somehow, in that search, we continue to find ourselves among the disaster that our questions and struggles have broken us down to. I guess this just goes to show you that there are reasons for our hardships, a purpose to every war and every internal battle…just try to remember what you are fighting and searching for when you find yourself holding the gun, loaded with questions…the struggle is worth it, the answers are worth it, and most of the time you are too.
xx
WC
Friday, 5 December 2008
Sunday, 16 November 2008
Come on and pick me up
There's a lot that I don't know
There's a lot that I'm still learning
When I think I'm letting go
Find my body is still burning
And you hold me down
And you got me livin' in the past
Come on and pick me up
Somebody clear the wreckage from the blast......
The Resolution by Jack’s Mannequin
I used to always start off blogs with song lyrics…not because I am a music fanatic, but because I think that maybe, just maybe, if you connect with the song the way that I do, you might just have a better chance of connecting with what I have to say. I am sure it isn’t true (even though deep down I want it to be), but I was feeling very connected to this song today so I thought I would go back to my roots (and back to a little more honesty)…and try to write from the part of me that wants us all to connect.
I feel like I am old enough to know better. I try to think that I have separated myself enough from life in another world to live comfortably enough in this one. Then some days, just when I think I know better, I get smacked in the face and after closing my eyes really tight, I open them to the reality that I am not disconnected at all. There really is a lot that I am still learning I guess. How do you live without the people you love? When do you stop being jealous of the lives and connections they create in your absence? And when (now this is the important one) do you stop wondering if you will even fit back in when you become a part of that world again? I know the world keeps changing, that it keeps spinning day in and day out. I love that part; the part of never knowing what comes next. But sometimes, on a rare occasion, I want to have something or someone permanent. And every time I meet a new person or hear an old friend talk about a new part of their life, I realize just how much our own realities change every day. And if we all change so much in 2 months, is there anything saying that we each won’t change so much in the next 10 that our lives as we know it won’t be big enough to hold the bigger picture together. That we will have to let something fall away…and at that point will we ever even notice what it is that goes? What if its me…what if its you?
I know that’s all crazy talk. Ramblings of one girl wondering how she fits into her own greater picture and wondering how a meaningful conversation today can hopefully be connected to a meaningful lifetime. Wondering how you keep all those relationships working from thousands of miles away when you had a hard enough time controlling any part of them from ten miles away. Wondering if what people say is really what they mean or if we are all just lying to each other and in turn lying to ourselves. Or maybe, just maybe, none of this matters anyway. Maybe your world would be the same if I was there or if I wasn’t. The conversations you might have with me, you will simply have with someone else. Maybe mine would be the same as well, with or without you. Maybe someday soon I will ever get over this feeling in my stomach and an increased heart rate when my world spins a little too fast for my own good (i always did get motion sick too easily). And maybe someday, I won't need anyone (and maybe sometimes I try to act like I don't already) but in this moment, I really just want somebody to ‘clear the wreckage from the blast’ and to put all the pieces back together in my head and make me strong enough so I can close off how much it hurts to be gone sometimes…
on the upside...when i stop thinking so much....i swear i am totally having a blast!
xoxo
WC
Monday, 10 November 2008
another rainy day
It is one of those stereotypical London mornings, certainly the kind of day for which the city is known. It’s perfect for me though because I don’t feel guilty about laying around with a cup of coffee and trying to update this blog of mine. I feel like I should start off by apologizing for never writing, but wasting writing time talking about how I never write seems a little counterproductive and so I will (except for this sentence) avoid it all together.
It seems to be approaching on a month since the last time I wrote and I honestly can’t believe how fast time passes when it really doesn’t seem like I have done that much at all. So much can happen in such a short time and lately I feel like more is happening in the States than is really happening to me over here. My friends are acquiring new cars, new houses, new relationships, and most importantly a new President (ps…the whole world is excited) and it seems to be that a world which appeared to change so little while I was home has some how been sent into overdrive in my absence. I am convinced, though, that even though I see all these changes, when I come home the small world I knew will still be exactly the same as the one I left…after all…how many of those changes I talked about really cause change? I am hoping at least one.
As for my life here, the week of Halloween has really been the most memorable. That week one of Thomas’ friends from Ireland came to stay in the city for an interview he had. We went out on Wednesday and I always find that the best part of going out is finding your way home at the end of the night. The tube stations close around midnight and so if you stay out late you have to either take a taxi which is expensive or find a bus that takes you where you want to go. I knew roughly where we needed to be to catch the bus (Piccadilly Circus) but didn’t know where the stop was because last time I caught that bus it was a little fuzzy (thank you Danniel). It was a little bit of a walk to get from where we were to where we could catch the 14 bus (we ended up catching the 22) and convincing drunk people you know where you are going at 3am can sometimes be rough…but its just like a night out in good old Peoria….except, of course, way cooler. We survived though and it was pretty fabulous! A night out until after 4 in the morning does quickly turn into morning, as you can imagine, and was followed by a day with some fellow Americans. My TGIF friend Sarah, who is studying in the Brighton area, came up with a few of her friends to spend a few days in London. The best part of their visit was Halloween, where Betsy and I dressed in 80s style jazzercise and certainly played the part. Jazzercise on tube platforms, stretching on railings on the street, dancing like ‘a maniac’ on the tube, and generally just being crazy and friendly with strangers…because it is hard not to be everyone’s friend when you are wearing neon pink tights. It was one of those nights where I didn’t drink anything and people still kept asking how much I had had. I don’t know if that’s a good thing or not, but I love that side of my personality so I mark it in the ‘win’ column. So overall, the night, and week for that matter, were a huge success and I totally should have written about them sooner! (if you want pics and can’t seem my facebook page let me know!)
Since Halloween I have celebrated Guy Fawkes Day (look it up…it’s a nice history lesson) and watched a good amount of fireworks, which I love. I have also done some school things (is that what I am here for?) and generally had a pretty laid back time. I’ve been researching and planning cool cities to go to and places/things to do with any of my lovely visitors that happen to come along. Nothing too out of this world otherwise, but I will try to keep you updated when the world surprises me and brings me new and exciting adventures…Or on the off chance that I throw an adventure in the face of the world and grab it by both hands. It’s a big world out there…and it will keep spinning no matter where you are or who you are with, so capture it (with a camera, your eyes, your heart, with your words) and embrace it…even on rainy London days, the world is still bright and beautiful!
Cheers
WC
It seems to be approaching on a month since the last time I wrote and I honestly can’t believe how fast time passes when it really doesn’t seem like I have done that much at all. So much can happen in such a short time and lately I feel like more is happening in the States than is really happening to me over here. My friends are acquiring new cars, new houses, new relationships, and most importantly a new President (ps…the whole world is excited) and it seems to be that a world which appeared to change so little while I was home has some how been sent into overdrive in my absence. I am convinced, though, that even though I see all these changes, when I come home the small world I knew will still be exactly the same as the one I left…after all…how many of those changes I talked about really cause change? I am hoping at least one.
As for my life here, the week of Halloween has really been the most memorable. That week one of Thomas’ friends from Ireland came to stay in the city for an interview he had. We went out on Wednesday and I always find that the best part of going out is finding your way home at the end of the night. The tube stations close around midnight and so if you stay out late you have to either take a taxi which is expensive or find a bus that takes you where you want to go. I knew roughly where we needed to be to catch the bus (Piccadilly Circus) but didn’t know where the stop was because last time I caught that bus it was a little fuzzy (thank you Danniel). It was a little bit of a walk to get from where we were to where we could catch the 14 bus (we ended up catching the 22) and convincing drunk people you know where you are going at 3am can sometimes be rough…but its just like a night out in good old Peoria….except, of course, way cooler. We survived though and it was pretty fabulous! A night out until after 4 in the morning does quickly turn into morning, as you can imagine, and was followed by a day with some fellow Americans. My TGIF friend Sarah, who is studying in the Brighton area, came up with a few of her friends to spend a few days in London. The best part of their visit was Halloween, where Betsy and I dressed in 80s style jazzercise and certainly played the part. Jazzercise on tube platforms, stretching on railings on the street, dancing like ‘a maniac’ on the tube, and generally just being crazy and friendly with strangers…because it is hard not to be everyone’s friend when you are wearing neon pink tights. It was one of those nights where I didn’t drink anything and people still kept asking how much I had had. I don’t know if that’s a good thing or not, but I love that side of my personality so I mark it in the ‘win’ column. So overall, the night, and week for that matter, were a huge success and I totally should have written about them sooner! (if you want pics and can’t seem my facebook page let me know!)
Since Halloween I have celebrated Guy Fawkes Day (look it up…it’s a nice history lesson) and watched a good amount of fireworks, which I love. I have also done some school things (is that what I am here for?) and generally had a pretty laid back time. I’ve been researching and planning cool cities to go to and places/things to do with any of my lovely visitors that happen to come along. Nothing too out of this world otherwise, but I will try to keep you updated when the world surprises me and brings me new and exciting adventures…Or on the off chance that I throw an adventure in the face of the world and grab it by both hands. It’s a big world out there…and it will keep spinning no matter where you are or who you are with, so capture it (with a camera, your eyes, your heart, with your words) and embrace it…even on rainy London days, the world is still bright and beautiful!
Cheers
WC
Monday, 13 October 2008
caught in between
I spent my weekend consumed in the world of London tourism; caught up in camera flashes, fold out maps, and the underground (minding the gaps...of course). And although I have lived here for two months previously, and now soon to be a month (WOW!), I can't help but wonder when you stop being a tourist. I walked around all weekend, showing this great city off to some equally great people, and I couldn't help but smile like a kid on Christmas morning the entire time. I would look up at the clock tower that holds Big Ben and just sigh, and it isn't the stressed out sigh, or the sad sigh, but the type of sign that you can't be bothered to hold in because if you didn't sigh, your breath would certainly be taken away all on its own.
I have seen all of these sights countless times, in the daylight and in the dark, with friends, with strangers, and at the right times, entirely on my own, and I still feel blessed to be a part of the world that created such things. I still want to pull out my camera, or to pull on my friends arm and say "seriously, do you realize what you are seeing!" I guess if becoming a local instead of a tourist means that I stop appreciating all of the amazing things that this city has to offer, then I will be a tourist for the rest of my days here, maybe even for the rest of my days in every city I find myself in. I may no longer need a tourist map, and I may not need to take pictures everywhere I go (except of Spencer), but I am pretty sure I will always see this city with both eyes wide-open, because even if I am not a tourist, I love to feel like one!
I also found myself, for a short time, in another place of in betweens. When my friends had to leave to go back to the states, even though I had only seen them for a short time (and only known most of them for that same short time!), I still found myself in between staying and going. After being so excited about the city, and so grateful to spend time with someone I had known for more than a few weeks, I found myself wanting to stay in London forever and wanting to board a plane at the same time. I don't want anyone to think that that statement means I am regretting my decision to be here. It is strictly the exact opposite of that. I am loving my time here so much that I can't even think about boarding a plane and flying back across the ocean, but at the same time I do long for the people at home that made my life so great while I was there, and that are helping to make my life so great from so far away. It is amazing the power that people and places have in our lives and I hated to let familiar people board a plane and leave me with only familiar surroundings to keep me company. The fact that I want to see people from home is a testament to how fantastic my friends and family are, the fact that I love this city so much just really means that you should all come visit me...so I don't have to be so stuck in between! :)
So that has been my world, or at least the last few days of it. Big thanks to Katie, Joe, and Josh (left to right in the picture) for sharing their fabulous attitudes for adventure with me!! And for helping to rejuvenate my love for this city (and for great off the path english pubs!) and my love for people at home!! They had so many great travel stories from just a few days of traveling and it leaves me more excited for the places I will see and the people I will travel with...if you are reading this then I hope you will be one of them, in person or through words! Share your stories and your love and I will do the same.
XOXO
Cheers
WC
Monday, 6 October 2008
one more passport stamp...
Welcome to the world of the terrified, the excited, the young, and the forever adventurous. The world of the independently lonely, the not so independently wealthy, and those who are rich in anything but loneliness. Its my world, at least this version of it is, and it is one I share openly for whoever wants to be a part of it. Its a world that continues to show me that my horizons get wider every time a plane touches down and my world gets smaller every time I find something in common with a stranger. A world where fate is in our hands, but the stars are always there to guide us. This is my world. I would love for it to be your world too, if only through the words I am able to put on pages. The only thing I ask of you in return, is that you do whatever makes for the best story, and I will in turn, try to do the same for you.
This isn't my first letter speaking of adventures and passport stamps, but it does happen to be my first one on this little website (simply because I think it will be easier to post pictures directly in the blog). So for those who have followed the last few travels, and those who are new to me or my words, I am just a simple girl with a small passport and big dreams. I have written from London before, and from all over Central America, and now I write from London again..and maybe a little bit of the rest of Europe thrown in. I will be here for roughly a year and I suggest you prepare for a journey, because I plan on taking you on one!
Here are the whens and whys of it all: I am getting my masters in Sports Psychology at Roehampton Uni in southwest London. It should be an amazing time as I have finally managed to combine so many of my passions into one place at the perfect time in my life to do it. It was a pretty spontaneous decision on my part, and although I don't believe we should leave too many things in this world up to fate, I do believe that there are signs in this life that point us in certain directions. The signs for me to be here were neon green and all around me...in other words, I do believe they were unavoidable. I was at a place in my life were I was ready for a big change. I wanted to travel but had no one to travel with and I wanted to go back to school but was at a crossroads as to where I saw my future heading. I knew I couldn't continue to do what I was doing for another year and so, on a whim, I applied to Roehampton, was accepted, and left about three weeks later. Just enough time to keep me from changing my mind...not that I ever even thought twice about it. And so, I have been here for a full two weeks now, and I couldn't ask for more than my beautiful roommates, my not so amazing flat, and being back in this city for such a long time! I know I should have written sooner though, and for that I do apologize. I hate it when I forget to share my world with people, but in all fairness, I have been sharing a lot with some great new people in my life, both here and in the states, and for that I apologize to no one.
So this is my world...one that for the next year consists of suitcases, journals, essays, public transport, long distance phone calls, maybe some long distance runs, accents, currencies, debt (and more debt), and friends both near and far. It will also consist of plane tickets, backpacks, travel and more travel, history and hopefully a new future. I don't have any crazy stories at the moment, or at least any that I think fit to my introduction blog, but tomorrow is a new day, and there are always new stories to tell. So come back soon, sit with me while you enjoy a great cup of coffee (or tea) and know that at the end of the day....if I don't have a good enough story or adventure for you...you could always make your own.
Cheers and love
-WC
This isn't my first letter speaking of adventures and passport stamps, but it does happen to be my first one on this little website (simply because I think it will be easier to post pictures directly in the blog). So for those who have followed the last few travels, and those who are new to me or my words, I am just a simple girl with a small passport and big dreams. I have written from London before, and from all over Central America, and now I write from London again..and maybe a little bit of the rest of Europe thrown in. I will be here for roughly a year and I suggest you prepare for a journey, because I plan on taking you on one!
Here are the whens and whys of it all: I am getting my masters in Sports Psychology at Roehampton Uni in southwest London. It should be an amazing time as I have finally managed to combine so many of my passions into one place at the perfect time in my life to do it. It was a pretty spontaneous decision on my part, and although I don't believe we should leave too many things in this world up to fate, I do believe that there are signs in this life that point us in certain directions. The signs for me to be here were neon green and all around me...in other words, I do believe they were unavoidable. I was at a place in my life were I was ready for a big change. I wanted to travel but had no one to travel with and I wanted to go back to school but was at a crossroads as to where I saw my future heading. I knew I couldn't continue to do what I was doing for another year and so, on a whim, I applied to Roehampton, was accepted, and left about three weeks later. Just enough time to keep me from changing my mind...not that I ever even thought twice about it. And so, I have been here for a full two weeks now, and I couldn't ask for more than my beautiful roommates, my not so amazing flat, and being back in this city for such a long time! I know I should have written sooner though, and for that I do apologize. I hate it when I forget to share my world with people, but in all fairness, I have been sharing a lot with some great new people in my life, both here and in the states, and for that I apologize to no one.
So this is my world...one that for the next year consists of suitcases, journals, essays, public transport, long distance phone calls, maybe some long distance runs, accents, currencies, debt (and more debt), and friends both near and far. It will also consist of plane tickets, backpacks, travel and more travel, history and hopefully a new future. I don't have any crazy stories at the moment, or at least any that I think fit to my introduction blog, but tomorrow is a new day, and there are always new stories to tell. So come back soon, sit with me while you enjoy a great cup of coffee (or tea) and know that at the end of the day....if I don't have a good enough story or adventure for you...you could always make your own.
Cheers and love
-WC
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