Come on and pick me up

There's a lot that I don't know
There's a lot that I'm still learning
When I think I'm letting go
Find my body is still burning
And you hold me down
And you got me livin' in the past
Come on and pick me up
Somebody clear the wreckage from the blast......
The Resolution by Jack’s Mannequin

I used to always start off blogs with song lyrics…not because I am a music fanatic, but because I think that maybe, just maybe, if you connect with the song the way that I do, you might just have a better chance of connecting with what I have to say. I am sure it isn’t true (even though deep down I want it to be), but I was feeling very connected to this song today so I thought I would go back to my roots (and back to a little more honesty)…and try to write from the part of me that wants us all to connect.

I feel like I am old enough to know better. I try to think that I have separated myself enough from life in another world to live comfortably enough in this one. Then some days, just when I think I know better, I get smacked in the face and after closing my eyes really tight, I open them to the reality that I am not disconnected at all. There really is a lot that I am still learning I guess. How do you live without the people you love? When do you stop being jealous of the lives and connections they create in your absence? And when (now this is the important one) do you stop wondering if you will even fit back in when you become a part of that world again? I know the world keeps changing, that it keeps spinning day in and day out. I love that part; the part of never knowing what comes next. But sometimes, on a rare occasion, I want to have something or someone permanent. And every time I meet a new person or hear an old friend talk about a new part of their life, I realize just how much our own realities change every day. And if we all change so much in 2 months, is there anything saying that we each won’t change so much in the next 10 that our lives as we know it won’t be big enough to hold the bigger picture together. That we will have to let something fall away…and at that point will we ever even notice what it is that goes? What if its me…what if its you?

I know that’s all crazy talk. Ramblings of one girl wondering how she fits into her own greater picture and wondering how a meaningful conversation today can hopefully be connected to a meaningful lifetime. Wondering how you keep all those relationships working from thousands of miles away when you had a hard enough time controlling any part of them from ten miles away. Wondering if what people say is really what they mean or if we are all just lying to each other and in turn lying to ourselves. Or maybe, just maybe, none of this matters anyway. Maybe your world would be the same if I was there or if I wasn’t. The conversations you might have with me, you will simply have with someone else. Maybe mine would be the same as well, with or without you. Maybe someday soon I will ever get over this feeling in my stomach and an increased heart rate when my world spins a little too fast for my own good (i always did get motion sick too easily). And maybe someday, I won't need anyone (and maybe sometimes I try to act like I don't already) but in this moment, I really just want somebody to ‘clear the wreckage from the blast’ and to put all the pieces back together in my head and make me strong enough so I can close off how much it hurts to be gone sometimes…

on the upside...when i stop thinking so much....i swear i am totally having a blast!

xoxo
WC

another rainy day

It is one of those stereotypical London mornings, certainly the kind of day for which the city is known. It’s perfect for me though because I don’t feel guilty about laying around with a cup of coffee and trying to update this blog of mine. I feel like I should start off by apologizing for never writing, but wasting writing time talking about how I never write seems a little counterproductive and so I will (except for this sentence) avoid it all together.
It seems to be approaching on a month since the last time I wrote and I honestly can’t believe how fast time passes when it really doesn’t seem like I have done that much at all. So much can happen in such a short time and lately I feel like more is happening in the States than is really happening to me over here. My friends are acquiring new cars, new houses, new relationships, and most importantly a new President (ps…the whole world is excited) and it seems to be that a world which appeared to change so little while I was home has some how been sent into overdrive in my absence. I am convinced, though, that even though I see all these changes, when I come home the small world I knew will still be exactly the same as the one I left…after all…how many of those changes I talked about really cause change? I am hoping at least one.
As for my life here, the week of Halloween has really been the most memorable. That week one of Thomas’ friends from Ireland came to stay in the city for an interview he had. We went out on Wednesday and I always find that the best part of going out is finding your way home at the end of the night. The tube stations close around midnight and so if you stay out late you have to either take a taxi which is expensive or find a bus that takes you where you want to go. I knew roughly where we needed to be to catch the bus (Piccadilly Circus) but didn’t know where the stop was because last time I caught that bus it was a little fuzzy (thank you Danniel). It was a little bit of a walk to get from where we were to where we could catch the 14 bus (we ended up catching the 22) and convincing drunk people you know where you are going at 3am can sometimes be rough…but its just like a night out in good old Peoria….except, of course, way cooler. We survived though and it was pretty fabulous! A night out until after 4 in the morning does quickly turn into morning, as you can imagine, and was followed by a day with some fellow Americans. My TGIF friend Sarah, who is studying in the Brighton area, came up with a few of her friends to spend a few days in London. The best part of their visit was Halloween, where Betsy and I dressed in 80s style jazzercise and certainly played the part. Jazzercise on tube platforms, stretching on railings on the street, dancing like ‘a maniac’ on the tube, and generally just being crazy and friendly with strangers…because it is hard not to be everyone’s friend when you are wearing neon pink tights. It was one of those nights where I didn’t drink anything and people still kept asking how much I had had. I don’t know if that’s a good thing or not, but I love that side of my personality so I mark it in the ‘win’ column. So overall, the night, and week for that matter, were a huge success and I totally should have written about them sooner! (if you want pics and can’t seem my facebook page let me know!)
Since Halloween I have celebrated Guy Fawkes Day (look it up…it’s a nice history lesson) and watched a good amount of fireworks, which I love. I have also done some school things (is that what I am here for?) and generally had a pretty laid back time. I’ve been researching and planning cool cities to go to and places/things to do with any of my lovely visitors that happen to come along. Nothing too out of this world otherwise, but I will try to keep you updated when the world surprises me and brings me new and exciting adventures…Or on the off chance that I throw an adventure in the face of the world and grab it by both hands. It’s a big world out there…and it will keep spinning no matter where you are or who you are with, so capture it (with a camera, your eyes, your heart, with your words) and embrace it…even on rainy London days, the world is still bright and beautiful!

Cheers
WC