I Just Want to be OK Today

Open me up and you will see
I'm a gallery of broken hearts
I'm beyond repair, let me be
And give me back my broken parts

I just want to know today, know today, know today
I just want to know something today
I just want to know today, know today, know today
Know that maybe I will be ok
-Be OK by Ingrid Michaelson

So I figure an update is in order. I guess all the letters you really got from London were a few from the beginning and one for the end of the journey. I think it is safe to say that the letters from the middle are written on my heart and lace every inch of my skin. What can I really say except this city, this journey, these people, they are all a part of me now. Some times I wonder if you can see the change from the inside out, maybe my eyes are just a little bit brighter blue, maybe my freckles have multiplied just because something on the inside is bursting to get out, or maybe all I can do is tell you that I feel different, less lost, less broken, more whole. It isn’t that any part of me wasn’t complete before I came here, but I was still searching for something that I feel like I don’t need to look for anymore. I think in this world we are always looking for something, that great love, that piece of this world that fills us up on the inside, some people find it in god, some people find it in a lover, and some how I found it in a city and everything that city has given me this second time around. I wish I could tell you how to find it. I wish I could tell you that the answers are simple or that they are out there somewhere waiting for you. I don’t think that is the case, though. I think the answers aren’t out there waiting at all, I think you already have them, you just have to ask yourself some different questions and you have to open yourself up to the answers you’re going to find. I’d say it is easy but it isn’t, it’s a long hard road…the whole idea of finding yourself in this world. And just when you think you are where you want to be you realize that it isn’t over yet, not even close. Life all the time is related to a road and to a journey…funny how you really find yourself when you are on one.
And in the same breath that I can say all those things, that I can tell you that I am so happy and that this trip, this adventure, is exactly what I needed at this point in my life, I can’t guarantee that I will always feel this way. We change. Constantly. And I know that when I get on that plane in 2 weeks and I head back to the states, back to something so familiar, I might still feel a little lost again. This is only because I know that in my absence the lives I left changed as well. It isn’t that I ever expected them not to, it is more that you just don’t always think about others when you decide to leave. I knew I was taking a big step, but in taking that step, somehow I failed to realize that everyone makes big moves in their lives, and not everyone else makes the same moves as me. So in the last 8 months, I have had friends who have gotten married and divorced, who have had babies and sadly lost them too, who have gotten engaged or found someone they want to spend forever with. I have had friends who have lost friends, certainly friends who have gained friends, friends who have lost jobs and dreams, and friends who have had life changing experiences that are certainly greater than mine. You can’t put life on a scale, and comparing how my life has changed is complete relative to who you ask. We can weigh the pros and cons, but no one can say the true weight of our choices until it lies on their own shoulders. So I may know now that I have found what I am looking for, at least for today, until I shift back home and have to once again fill the gaps that London leaves behind, to answer the new questions I have floating in this head of mine. I also get to go home and find out how the lives of those I love have changed, and determine how I fit back into that puzzle, and if leaving really means that I ever left at all.
Here I am talking about this like it is over! Did I forget to tell you I’m only going home for June and then I’ll be back in good old London for another few months? Well, I guess going home just makes me feel like a part of my trip is ending, and I’m struggling to come to terms with that. But I guess if I go back to the song that I used to title this little blog entry...it certainly will all Be OK, and deep down I know that...sometimes I just like to cause a little drama. It does after all give me something to write about!

xoxo
-WKC

Joining Facebook: The only choice you made that really matters

Do you ever stop just being shocked at how crazy, surprising and mysterious the world is?! It never ceases to amaze me. The second I think I have every thing figured out, something so coincidental happens that I can’t help but take a step back. So here is my crazy ‘what are the odds’ type story…a lot of you might know that I have met a good amount of people in London from the States. It always seems like awesome people that I know really well, and some I don’t know that well, are traveling through this big city, and since we always like to find familiar faces in unfamiliar places, I have spent time with quite a few of them.
The most recent one is a little more out of sorts though. I hate mentioning names, so I won’t, but the basis of the story is that a few years ago, I met someone who seemed really cool and we never really got to hang out because we were both busy. I know that happens a lot in this world, you meet people, you become facebook friends, and that is the end of the relationship really. Maybe you wish them happy birthday or tag them in a photo from the night you met but that is about it. In my case, we had planned on hanging out and watching Something Corporate because we both loved the band (doesn’t everyone!?) but it never really happened and time just passed us by. So that was over a year and a half ago and we haven’t really talked since, not that we couldn’t be friends, but we didn’t live in the same town and didn’t have much of a background to base a friendship on. So anyway, now I live in London, which might be terribly obvious to some and not to others, but facebook randomly told me that there were new pictures of this guy in an album that had something to do with London or traveling. Anyway, being the stalker of facebook adventures that I am, I took a look and his status said he was in London. Crazy…because that’s where I am! Anyway, facebook communication aside, we ended up getting together and having coffee, and the craziest part of the whole thing is that the ONLY dvd I brought with me to London was the Something Corporate one we had talked about watching so many months before!
Maybe it really is just a random fluky thing, it doesn’t bother me much either way, I’m not looking to explain to you why the world works the way it does. All I am pointing out is that what seem like the most random choices may not be so random after all. I brought one DVD to London and it turns out it might actually come in handy for plans from the past! Not only do random events shock me…but the significance of singular choices. Deciding to go to Loras…deciding to go to London…being in the ‘right place’ and the ‘right time’. Its all a crazy web of one small choice after another but all the choices that we make put us where we are. If this guy and I had never talked, or something corporate was never mentioned, if we never became facebook friends, or heck, if facebook didn’t start the newsfeed that we all used to hate, I may not have been able to spend time with another awesome American in this great city!

After re-reading what I wrote… I don’t think you should read too much into this blog, I was going to make it really meaningful and reflective, but, I’ve decided after some reflection that it isn’t about chances or choices or coincidence at all!...its really just all about Facebook!

So stop reading this and just add me as your ‘friend’…because you don’t need to get to know someone in the real world in order for it to change your world! Take it with a grain of salt…I’m half serious, and half crazy…but all my real life friends know that anyway!

Travelin' Through

There is so much that I could tell you about the past month of my life! I have been to Ireland for Christmas and it was probably one of the best experiences I could have had outside of spending it with my own family. My sister came to London right after Christmas and we celebrated the New Year in my favorite city and then traveled to Paris to spend time with a great city and an old friend. Over all the last month has been pretty fantastic and has taught me a ton about myself and others. I probably won't go into day to day details but if you want to know, how I've been feeling and what I've been thinking over the past month please read on...
So I went to Kilworth, Ireland with my roommate Thomas and spent the holiday with his family. Outside of the general day to day details (Christmas, Irish pubs, pictures of Spencer), spending the holiday away from home really was a learning experience. I have found that Christmas and family seem to be the same all around the world. I am sure I am over generalizing and I know that there are aspects that are different, but it is really hard not to notice how similar the world and all the traditions are even when you are thousands of miles away from your own traditions. Spending the holidays away from home also made me realize things about myself. Most would probably think I would have been a mess, being away from family at a time when for the last 23 years I have been in the same place celebrating with all the same loving people. So then you transport me away and I spend the holidays in a new and strange place. I obviously managed to survive it, but it is amazing how great I have become at turning off certain emotions. I knew for months that I wasn't going to be home for Christmas so then when it comes time for Christmas away I have already put up the walls I needed to not be sad about it. I don't know if this is a survival mechanism or just a way to make myself strong when I need to be strong, but somehow, over the years, it has become surprisingly more and more easy to just not feel. Does that sound too dramatic? I'm sure it does...gosh, I'm always such a drama queen! :) All I am saying, is that I think the more prepared you are for sadness the easier it is to deal with and to just sweep away. And as long as you don't think about being away and don't think about being in a different place with different people, then you pretty much don't have to deal with it at all. Maybe thats just me and my new found ability to compartmentalize my life into home and away, but I'm looking at it as a positive, although i'm sure you all might be able to argue differently...
After Christmas, I traveled back to LONDON and waited for my sister to arrive. We then spent the next week or so traveling around London and enjoying all that it had to offer. We were able to hit up a lot of the tourist stuff that I haven't gotten around to doing before...some of it good (Windsor Castle) and some of it not so impressive (Tower of London) but over all I think we had some pretty successful journeys. We also spent New Years Eve (the eve of our birthday!!!) at the theater and then went to Parliament Square and watched Big Ben strike twelve and saw the fireworks. It was really pretty amazing and it is an awesome feeling to know that at the one moment in your life you are in the only place you really want to be. The only thing that would have really made it better would have been a mile run to a train station and Kyle! Its funny how I was so happy to be where I was, but the moment still didn't add up to being in Times Square on New Years Eve! Maybe we just have one experience that kinda taints all the rest. One awesome New Years Eve makes all the others fall short, one amazing kiss makes all the other guys just not measure up, and a favorite song makes you not ever want to listen to anything else. It happens I guess, that new moments in life will always remind you of old ones not matter how hard you try. There isn't anything wrong with that and there may not be anything we can ever do about it anyway. We can never seem to shake the memories of the past no matter how hard we try...
I could probably write so much more. I love that I got to travel a little and see more of the world and I love that I got to connect with some American friends and make some new non-American friends along the way. I am planning new adventures though, and considering planning a trip back to the states...flights are cheap, what can I say...but until next time, do your best to shake off the past and live today like there was no other day...