I Just Want to be OK Today

Open me up and you will see
I'm a gallery of broken hearts
I'm beyond repair, let me be
And give me back my broken parts

I just want to know today, know today, know today
I just want to know something today
I just want to know today, know today, know today
Know that maybe I will be ok
-Be OK by Ingrid Michaelson

So I figure an update is in order. I guess all the letters you really got from London were a few from the beginning and one for the end of the journey. I think it is safe to say that the letters from the middle are written on my heart and lace every inch of my skin. What can I really say except this city, this journey, these people, they are all a part of me now. Some times I wonder if you can see the change from the inside out, maybe my eyes are just a little bit brighter blue, maybe my freckles have multiplied just because something on the inside is bursting to get out, or maybe all I can do is tell you that I feel different, less lost, less broken, more whole. It isn’t that any part of me wasn’t complete before I came here, but I was still searching for something that I feel like I don’t need to look for anymore. I think in this world we are always looking for something, that great love, that piece of this world that fills us up on the inside, some people find it in god, some people find it in a lover, and some how I found it in a city and everything that city has given me this second time around. I wish I could tell you how to find it. I wish I could tell you that the answers are simple or that they are out there somewhere waiting for you. I don’t think that is the case, though. I think the answers aren’t out there waiting at all, I think you already have them, you just have to ask yourself some different questions and you have to open yourself up to the answers you’re going to find. I’d say it is easy but it isn’t, it’s a long hard road…the whole idea of finding yourself in this world. And just when you think you are where you want to be you realize that it isn’t over yet, not even close. Life all the time is related to a road and to a journey…funny how you really find yourself when you are on one.
And in the same breath that I can say all those things, that I can tell you that I am so happy and that this trip, this adventure, is exactly what I needed at this point in my life, I can’t guarantee that I will always feel this way. We change. Constantly. And I know that when I get on that plane in 2 weeks and I head back to the states, back to something so familiar, I might still feel a little lost again. This is only because I know that in my absence the lives I left changed as well. It isn’t that I ever expected them not to, it is more that you just don’t always think about others when you decide to leave. I knew I was taking a big step, but in taking that step, somehow I failed to realize that everyone makes big moves in their lives, and not everyone else makes the same moves as me. So in the last 8 months, I have had friends who have gotten married and divorced, who have had babies and sadly lost them too, who have gotten engaged or found someone they want to spend forever with. I have had friends who have lost friends, certainly friends who have gained friends, friends who have lost jobs and dreams, and friends who have had life changing experiences that are certainly greater than mine. You can’t put life on a scale, and comparing how my life has changed is complete relative to who you ask. We can weigh the pros and cons, but no one can say the true weight of our choices until it lies on their own shoulders. So I may know now that I have found what I am looking for, at least for today, until I shift back home and have to once again fill the gaps that London leaves behind, to answer the new questions I have floating in this head of mine. I also get to go home and find out how the lives of those I love have changed, and determine how I fit back into that puzzle, and if leaving really means that I ever left at all.
Here I am talking about this like it is over! Did I forget to tell you I’m only going home for June and then I’ll be back in good old London for another few months? Well, I guess going home just makes me feel like a part of my trip is ending, and I’m struggling to come to terms with that. But I guess if I go back to the song that I used to title this little blog entry...it certainly will all Be OK, and deep down I know that...sometimes I just like to cause a little drama. It does after all give me something to write about!

xoxo
-WKC