Come on and pick me up

There's a lot that I don't know
There's a lot that I'm still learning
When I think I'm letting go
Find my body is still burning
And you hold me down
And you got me livin' in the past
Come on and pick me up
Somebody clear the wreckage from the blast......
The Resolution by Jack’s Mannequin

I used to always start off blogs with song lyrics…not because I am a music fanatic, but because I think that maybe, just maybe, if you connect with the song the way that I do, you might just have a better chance of connecting with what I have to say. I am sure it isn’t true (even though deep down I want it to be), but I was feeling very connected to this song today so I thought I would go back to my roots (and back to a little more honesty)…and try to write from the part of me that wants us all to connect.

I feel like I am old enough to know better. I try to think that I have separated myself enough from life in another world to live comfortably enough in this one. Then some days, just when I think I know better, I get smacked in the face and after closing my eyes really tight, I open them to the reality that I am not disconnected at all. There really is a lot that I am still learning I guess. How do you live without the people you love? When do you stop being jealous of the lives and connections they create in your absence? And when (now this is the important one) do you stop wondering if you will even fit back in when you become a part of that world again? I know the world keeps changing, that it keeps spinning day in and day out. I love that part; the part of never knowing what comes next. But sometimes, on a rare occasion, I want to have something or someone permanent. And every time I meet a new person or hear an old friend talk about a new part of their life, I realize just how much our own realities change every day. And if we all change so much in 2 months, is there anything saying that we each won’t change so much in the next 10 that our lives as we know it won’t be big enough to hold the bigger picture together. That we will have to let something fall away…and at that point will we ever even notice what it is that goes? What if its me…what if its you?

I know that’s all crazy talk. Ramblings of one girl wondering how she fits into her own greater picture and wondering how a meaningful conversation today can hopefully be connected to a meaningful lifetime. Wondering how you keep all those relationships working from thousands of miles away when you had a hard enough time controlling any part of them from ten miles away. Wondering if what people say is really what they mean or if we are all just lying to each other and in turn lying to ourselves. Or maybe, just maybe, none of this matters anyway. Maybe your world would be the same if I was there or if I wasn’t. The conversations you might have with me, you will simply have with someone else. Maybe mine would be the same as well, with or without you. Maybe someday soon I will ever get over this feeling in my stomach and an increased heart rate when my world spins a little too fast for my own good (i always did get motion sick too easily). And maybe someday, I won't need anyone (and maybe sometimes I try to act like I don't already) but in this moment, I really just want somebody to ‘clear the wreckage from the blast’ and to put all the pieces back together in my head and make me strong enough so I can close off how much it hurts to be gone sometimes…

on the upside...when i stop thinking so much....i swear i am totally having a blast!

xoxo
WC